I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
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Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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