what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
