I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
are you so shy because you have an std?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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