I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
