she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
