i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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