How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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