walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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