you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish i was in the wii world.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
