We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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