Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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