He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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