Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
