You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
