talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
