i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
What a dumb baby whore.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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