omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
