I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
