I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
