my phone needs a breathalizer
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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