normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
