i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You dont lie about slip and slides
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
