The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
