ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
