i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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