The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
