paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
