you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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