College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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