fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
