So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
