Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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