My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
