This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
