Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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