I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
