True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
