so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
