I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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