Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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