Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
