The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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