WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
