I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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