My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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