And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
