Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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