I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
