Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
