Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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