you guys were way drunker than both of me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
