I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
