My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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