My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
