last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
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Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
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I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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