I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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